Tag Archives: humor

July 30, 2013 · 6:26 am

Hurricane Hilton

MH900175582Last week I attended a 4 day convention in Seattle where there were several glitches on the dietary front.

The kitchen at the hotel failed miserably on Thursday and Friday, but by Saturday they had figured it out at least for the final dinner.  In the meantime, there were a lot of starving authors sharpening their pens and busily writing culinary reviews that were less than glowing.

When we reserved our place in January, we were asked what dietary requirements we had, and were given many options.  The breakfast buffet was nothing but donuts, muffins and bagels–none of which are vegan or gluten-free – options that were offered to registrants at the time of my original sign-up.

I am not gluten intolerant, but I am vegan, and not for moral reasons. I am vegan for health reasons, as I get horribly ill from eating even small amounts of meat and dairy. So, when I realized there was NOTHING for breakfast or lunch that I could eat, I figured I’d just go to the restaurant and order side dishes off the menu. I have usually found that to be an option that works for me. After all, hash browns and steamed veggies are usually easy for the kitchen to turn out.

MH900400553When faced with a simple request, such as, “Can I have veggies sautéed in olive oil instead of butter please?” or “May I have my toast with no butter, please?” the waiters and waitresses got the deer-in-the-headlights look.  

I know what it’s like to be faced with a horde of prima donnas who think they should have special treatment.  I worked in the food service industry as both a waitress and a dishwasher, and I was a hotel maid for 12 years, actually, during the Reagan and Bush Sr. years. That was one of my 3 jobs. I was also a free-lance bookkeeper and a darkroom technician during those years. Three part-time jobs kept the kids fed and the roof over their heads, right?

Trickle down economics didn’t always trickle down too far.

It’s amazing how many hotels and restaurants are not prepared for guests with strange dietary needs like those weirdo hippy-freak vegans.

I get it, and I understand it.  I left good tips in the VERY expensive coffee shop anyway, because everyone did their best, and why be more of a pain than you have to be? My fried spuds and steamed veg averaged $15.00 to $20.00 per meal for breakfast and lunch for 4 days. Hurricane Hilton blew through my wallet leaving behind a budgetary disaster.

curry and sweet potato soupBut in this case, I was not the only hungry author there.  There was little concession made for any of the other people who’d been offered diet options, including the carnivores.  In fact the first three days were total catering catastrophes, and hardly anyone was pleased with the pathetic offerings.

By Friday, things were looking up for me but the Carnivores were starving. The catering team had gotten the 3 vegans at the convention served, and the plate they put in front of me was lovely.

Yep. There I was alone, surrounded by starving authors, armed only with a plate of grilled asparagus.

The carnivores were all looking at my veggies covetously. Irene Roth Luvaul suffered worse than me. She was told that  A: they had run out of food, and B: they weren’t going to cook any more. 6 people at our table were yet to be served.

Irene is an editor. Did I mention that? Just in case I didn’t, I will just say it’s bad juju to cross an editor. And the room was full of them.

There was blood in the water.

The announcement that no food would be forthcoming didn’t fly well with the comma-Nazi. Irene said, “What do you mean, you aren’t going to cook any more food?” Her clipped Texas tones could have shaved the fur off a cat at fifteen feet, they were so sharp.

This was the voice of the woman who edited briefs for the Texas State Supreme Court. She wrangled lawyers for a living.

The server brought her a plate of cold ravioli in pale tomato sauce.

Faced with a resounding plea-bargain, Irene desperately wished she was a vegan, and eyed my asparagus with longing.

However, by Saturday night the catering staff had redeemed themselves beautifully with a lovely, well-prepared meal that even the gluten-free authors were pleased with, along with copious quantities of decent wine, proving that giddy, well-oiled authors are a bag of fun.

Despite near starvation, it was a fun week, and meeting Greg Bear was awesome. But making new friends and connections with both sides of the industry was the best part of this for me.

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July 26, 2013 · 10:52 am

What I’ve learned from Greg Bear

Wow.  I just made me a new BFF! I’m never going to wash my ears again (insert starry eyes here.)  I am currently at the Pacific Northwest Writers Association Conference in Seattle, Washington with my real BFF, Irene Roth Luvaul. We are having the best time and even though we are only on the second day of the event, with two more days to go, this thing has already paid for itself in what we have learned about writing, editing and the publishing industry in general.

Greg Bear - portrait-mediumThe keynote speaker was none other than Greg Bear (cue the angels) and what he had to say was more than entertaining–it was inspirational.

While still in high-school, this man and his gang of sci-fi fanatic friends used to hang out with mentor Ray Bradbury! THAT connection was invaluable to his career as writer and storyteller, working in the less-than-respectable genre of speculative fiction.

Greg’s complete dedication to the craft of writing and his passion for the genre of science fiction and fantasy comes across in his talks. He is very frank and has a sense of the ridiculous that resonates with his audience. He is a humble man, who told me he worked to deadlines because he has to pay the mortgage, and publishers frequently have deadlines.

cover_foundation and chaos, Greg BearGreg spoke about working on the foundation series after Asimov’s death, and how he frequently felt he heard the man’s voice in his head, guiding him as he was writing Foundation and Chaos. 

The best part of the evening for me was meeting the man and getting his signature on my copy of the Mongoliad, book 1. 

Irene is a champ at getting things done.  She got me moving so I was fourth in line to meet him and get his signature. I’m just going to say it–Nothing is more undignified than an old fat woman who has just met god.

cover_hull Greg BearYou will be so proud of me!  I made it all the way out of the room before SQUEEEEEing like a school girl with a front row ticket to see One Direction. I am fully convinced that by virtue of having exchanged pleasantries while he signed my copy of his book, Greg Bear and I are now best chums and will be forever.

Irene managed to get me peeled off the ceiling and back to earth, but it was dicey there, for a while.

What I learned from Greg Bear is this:  to be a writer, you must write. You must have passion for your story and you must be obsessed with your universe and the worlds therein. His passion and obsession for the craft of writing really come across in his speech. He lives in his worlds, he knows his characters and their lives better than he knows his own.

Another thing I have learned from Greg Bear is to attend writers conventions if you can.

mongoliad book 1These forums offer us the tools to advance our careers. With the huge boom in indie publishing, it is even more crucial than ever for those of us who intend to remain indies to have the edge that knowledge of the way the industry works gives us. We have to stand out of the crowd, and to do that we must have a professional product and a real marketing plan. If we intend to compete, we have to know and understand the competition.

For the indie author, the competition is the high quality of the finished product put out by traditional publishing houses who are blessed with talented staffs of editors and cover designers and their long established connections  with literary publicity publications.

We can compete. We have to put out the best, most professional product we are able to create. We have to hire editors, and pay for good covers. We have to write ‘blurbs’ that intrigue our readers. Our personal online presence when we are googled must be consistent and professional.  Attending conventions offers us the opportunity to meet people in the industry and make professional connections. It is so much more than just being an elderly fangirl.

I am inspired to write. More than ever I am driven to live this writing life, inventing improbable plots and eccentric people. And I am empowered to believe I can succeed because great storytellers like Greg Bear have gone before me, and paved the way.

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July 22, 2013 · 2:11 pm

One small word; one large demon-spawn of heck for author-kind

over used words - scrn prntWhee!!! I am merrily spinning through my mental universe, spewing my thoughts onto the keyboard when suddenly I am brought up short by none other than the dreaded Over Used Word.

Somebody shoot me now!  But at least I have that magic tool “Control-F’ to help me search for words that seem to come up too frequently. By clicking the down arrow on the menu on the left, I can navigate easily to each instance of the word and decide whether to keep it or remove it.  Many times, removing it is the solution, and often you don’t have to replace it with anything at all.  The sentence can be stronger for not having the word at all.

When I look back on my work I can see where my mind seemed to run out of options and I developed a ‘fall-back’ habit, which in turn, leads to a stale narrative.  Some of my favorite fall-back words?

Scrnprnt over used words part 2As. This word can be useful, but insidious. Like bamboo in an unwary gardener’s first garden, ‘As’ creeps into every paragraph if not kept in containers. To search for it, hit control-F. When the navigation box pops up on the left, key a space before and a space after to isolate only the two-letter word as, or every instance of any word containing those letters together will pop up. ( as )

prnt scn 3 over used wordsThat. Many times, removing it is  ideal the solution, and often you don’t have to replace it with anything at all.  Once again, the sentence will be stronger for not having the word at all.

Searching for these words and others like them in our precious manuscript can seem to be a daunting task, but with this tool it is much less trouble to do than it seems like it will be at first. It must be done on a word by word basis, because Global changes can inadvertently  wreak unimaginable havoc with your manuscript! Think of how many words in the English language have the two letters ‘a’ and ‘s’ next to each other in them?  Was, Assign, Bass–you see the problem with global changes.  Never click ‘Replace All’!

For small words that are frequently found inside of larger words, use the ‘space word space’ trick and you will have much better results.

And now here is my list of handy-dandy overused and the alternatives that I fall back on:

Overused Words and some alternatives

about – approximately, nearly, almost, approaching, close to

absolutely – unconditionally, perfectly, completely, ideally, purely

activity – action, movement, operation, labor, exertion, enterprise, project, pursuit, endeavor, job, assignment, pastime, scheme, task

add – attach, affix, join, unite, append, increase, amplify

affect – adjust, influence, transform, moderate, incline, motivate, prompt

amazing – overwhelming, astonishing, startling, unexpected, stunning, dazzling, remarkable

awesome – impressive, stupendous, fabulous, astonishing, outstanding

bad – defective, inadequate, poor, unsatisfactory, disagreeable, offensive, repulsive, corrupt, wicked, naughty, harmful, injurious, unfavorable

basic – essential, necessary, indispensable, vital, fundamental, elementary

beautiful – attractive, appealing, alluring, exquisite, gorgeous, handsome, stunning

begin – commence, found, initiate, introduce, launch, originate

better – preferable, superior, worthier

big – enormous, extensive, huge, immense, massive

boring – commonplace, monotonous, tedious, tiresome

bring – accompany, cause, convey, create, conduct, deliver, produce

cause – origin, stimulus, inspiration, motive

certain –  sure, unquestionable, incontrovertible, unmistakable, indubitable, assured, confident

change – alter, transform, vary, replace, diversify

choose – select, elect, nominate, prefer, identify

decent – respectable, adequate, fair, suitable

definitely – unquestionably, clearly, precisely, positively, inescapably

easy – effortless, natural, comfortable, undemanding, pleasant, relaxed

effective – powerful, successful, efficient

emphasize – underscore, feature, accentuate

end – limit, boundary, finish, conclusion, finale, resolution

energy – vitality, vigor, force, dynamism

enjoy – savor, relish, revel, benefit

entire – complete, inclusive, unbroken, integral

excellent – superior, remarkable, splendid, unsurpassed, superb, magnificent

exciting – thrilling, stirring, rousing, dramatic

far – distant, remote

fast – swift, quick, fleet, hasty, instant, accelerated

fill – occupy, suffuse, pervade, saturate, inflate, stock

finish – complete, conclude, cease, achieve, exhaust, deplete, consume

funny – comical, ludicrous, amusing, droll, entertaining, bizarre, unusual, uncommon

get – obtain, receive, acquire, procure, achieve

give – bestow, donate, supply, deliver, distribute, impart

go – proceed, progress, advance, move

good – satisfactory, serviceable, functional, competent, virtuous, striking

great – tremendous, superior, remarkable, eminent, proficient, expert

happy – pleased, joyous, elated, jubilant, cheerful, delighted

hard – arduous, formidable, complex, complicated, rigorous, harsh

help – assist, aid, support, sustain, serve

hurt – injure, harm, damage, wound, impair

immense – huge, vast, enormous, massive, gigantic, mammoth, colossal

important – significant, substantial, weighty, meaningful, critical, vital, notable

interesting – absorbing, appealing, entertaining, fascinating, thought-provoking

job – task, work, business, undertaking, occupation, vocation, chore, duty, assignment

keep – retain, control, possess

kind – type, variety, sort, form

know – comprehend, understand, realize, perceive, discern

like – similar, equivalent, parallel

like– enjoy, relish, appreciate

main – primary, foremost, dominant

make – build, construct, produce, assemble, fashion, manufacture

mean – plan, intend, suggest, propose, indicate

mean – small, cheap, hurtful

more – supplementary, additional, replenishment

need – essential, necessity, want, require, requirement, prerequisite, basic, must, requisite

new– recent, modern, current, novel

next – subsequently, thereafter, successively

nice – pleasant, satisfying, gracious, charming

old – aged, mature, experienced, used, worn, former, previous

open – unobstructed, accessible

part – section, portion, segment, detail, element, component

perfect – flawless, faultless, ideal, consummate

plan – scheme, design, system, plot

pleasant – agreeable, gratifying, refreshing, welcome

prove – demonstrate, confirm, validate, verify, corroborate

quick – brisk, prompt, responsive, rapid, nimble, hasty

really – truly, genuinely, extremely, undeniably

regular – standard, routine, customary, habitual

see – regard, behold, witness, gaze, realize, notice

small – diminutive, miniature, minor, insignificant, slight, trivial, mean

sometimes – occasionally, intermittently, sporadically, periodically

take – grasp, capture, choose, select, tolerate, endure

terrific – extraordinary, magnificent, marvelous

think – conceive, imagine, ponder, reflect, contemplate

try – attempt, endeavor, venture, test

use – employ, operate, utilize

very – unusually, extremely, deeply, exceedingly, profoundly

want – desire, crave, yearn, long

It is strange how these words seem to crop up all the time in the rough draft of my work and I have to stay on top of them, using my wide vocabulary!  The point is, you must make a list of words YOU use too often, and find alternatives or eliminate them if they are not necessary.  Believe me, this list of words to watch for and solutions for expressing that thought without being repetitive grows and evolves all the time, just as my writing does.

Many of these first draft bloopers are descriptors -‘ly’ words.  Like salt and pepper, they are usually not required in too large of quantities so closely examine your ms to make sure it isn’t so thick with description your reader’s teeth hurt from the sweetness!

Happy writing, and may the over-used words of heck NOT bloop in your manuscript!

250px-Eastern_Bluebird-27527-2

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July 20, 2013 · 2:10 pm

‘Like’ me

Frustrated Woman at Computer With Stack of PaperThis weekend my professional Facebook page was suddenly ‘liked’ by 6 people in the space of 5 minutes.   I was sort of wondering what was going on, as it was a little unusual. It gets a few likes each week  under normal circumstances but this was different.

A few minutes later I got a fb personal message from an author I met through Goodreads.  It read:

“This LIKE is being sent along with another like from J***, on behalf of our friend, M*******. She left for a 6 week writing vacation, so we are wanting to surprise her with hopefully 25 more page likes. If you’ll like her page, you’ll get 2 fer 1, and possibly 3 likes for your one to her page. 

**PS. Please remember to like from your personal page as likes from fan page to fan page do NOT roll the counter.

>Thank you in advance, especially if you’ve already liked her page. Best of Luck with your writing:) 
M***”

I felt like I had just been shaken down for my lunch money.  But then I thought, “This is a kind gesture on the part of her friends, but the wrong way to go about it.”

Don’t get me wrong, I like M*******, and while she writes romances, which usually don’t attract me, she writes well enough.

I just don’t like being coerced, and that is what I felt her friends did. It’s all about manners, in this business.

Office Workers Clapping at Office PartySO – how do we encourage people to ‘like’ our professional Facebook page?  After all, we are all trying to get exposure for our books.

In my opinion, people will look you up and like your page as they become fans of your work. You will gain followers, just not real rapidly.

Identify your target market.  Are you trying to sell books only to other authors?  That is what you are doing when the only place you post the link to your page is in a page-swap forum.  If the only people who are ‘liking’ your fan-page are authors, you are shooting yourself in the foot. You are limiting your visibility to a small number of people who most likely won’t buy your book, as they’ve books of their own to write, and you don’t write in their genre.

You need to make it easy for your fans to like your page by posting the link on your blog, and on your Goodreads or Smashwords profile.  Have the link on your Amazon author page too!  Those places are where people who buy your books will look, and that is how fans will find you.

Identify who your target audience is.  Make sure your Facebook link is prominently displayed and let it do its thing.

We live in a society where instant gratification is the norm, and everything wonderful has to happen right now. I wondered, “Do we get some sort of award for having a lot of likes on our fan page?” Not that I am aware of–it’s only a number. The higher your number, the more likely fb will boost your visibility in the news feeds.  You earn that visibility gradually.

But for those who are too impatient to wait, they can join a Goodreads page-swapping event, where the participants all go out and like each others’ pages.  This is voluntary and I’ve been involved with that.  I liked about 50 authors and 15 liked me back. 6 of them used their fan page despite being asked to use their personal page, and their likes didn’t raise my count.

So, that didn’t go as well as I thought it would.

Portrait of Vsevolod Mikhailovich Garshin by Ilya RepinAnd don’t even get me started about the inconsiderate authors who posted links to their books and pages smack dab in the middle of MY fan-page.

Delete.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

(Die! Die! Die!)

Most of the indie authors I know are lovely people, polite and sensitive. They have a basic understanding of manners. They are a joy to work with, and I would do anything for them because of that. They make up 98% of the authors I have met.

There are those few who are as delicate as battering-rams, and they ruin it for everyone. They are the same people professionally that they are in the real world–immature, selfish, and rude. They meet other aspiring authors in forums and then make all sorts of small requests, expecting that you will drop everything and go out of your way for them, because they are so damned important.

If you choose to be kind to them, don’t expect anything in return, because it’s just not going to happen. The next time you see them will be when they need some other small service from you. “Tweet my book.” “Interview me.” “I just need five more likes….”

The Facebook Fan-page is a thing we have to do in this modern world of self promotion, but it sucks.

I have one and I am keeping it, but I am feeling quite rebellious about it just now.

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July 16, 2013 · 10:56 am

Thoughts on Internal Monologues

Young Woman Sitting Looking at Laptop ScreenI had a conversation with a friend in my writing group the other day. He paid for an expensive edit, but was not pleased with the results. The editor gave his ms only one fairly good look, and gave him a report with suggestions and ideas, but he was left more confused than ever. She has not worked with him to help him resolve those issues, and wants to be paid for a second look. This was more of a beta read than an edit, and that fact should have been disclosed when he hired her.

The professional editors I know do expect to be paid for their work, but they also work closely with the authors to help their clients turn out books that are finished to the best of their ability, thus giving the author their money’s worth. This involves many revisions of entire sections and lots of back and forth communication between the editor and the author.

When I looked at his ms, I could see one thing that stood out immediately.  His characters have a lot of internal dialogue. The editor told him not to set it off with italics, and technically she was correct, but she offered no insight to him on how to correctly portray his character’s thoughts. Unfortunately, with no way of distinguishing it, I found it difficult to differentiate the internal dialogue.

Now don’t get me wrong, the editor was technically correct. The  Chicago Manual of Style agrees with her, and in some ways, so do I.  As a reader, a wall of italics is daunting, and causes the eyes to get tired. If she was truly acting in his best interest, she could have shown him ways to get around the whole issue of internal dialogue, instead of just saying don’t use italics.

But I do use italics to set off certain thoughts in my own work, so how do I balance this apparent hypocrisy?  I have learned to use less internal dialogue, trying to only use it now when it is natural in the context of the scene.

As I look at my body of work, I can see it evolving toward a leaner style of writing, and less emphasis on idle thoughts is key to that style. My early work is rife with internal dialogue. In my recent work there is some internal dialogue, but not as much. The context of the story determines whether it is necessary or not.

IBM_SelectricIn the days before computerized word processing and desktop publishing, the publishing process began with a manuscript and/or a typescript that was sent to a print shop where it would be prepared for publication and printed. In order to show emphasis—to highlight the title of a book, to refer to a word itself as a word, or to indicate a foreign word or phrase—the writer would use underlining in the typescript, which would signal the typesetter at the print shop to use italic font for those words.

Nowadays we have word-processors.  Authors can italicize to their hearts’ content and the ms will not be full of underlined words that distract the editor.  This has lead to some authors being a bit too free with italics, and I have been guilty of that.

The important thing to remember is that everything your  main characters think does not have to be written. When it is necessary, there are ways to get it across without resorting to italics except in the most important instances.

Indie author Karen Fox has an awesome post on common mistakes made by authors.  She says, (and I am directly quoting from http://www.karenafox.com/commonmistakes.htm,)

“(Interior Monologues are) very important in writing. Reveals parts of the story not available through dialogue. A powerful way to establish character, but often overwritten. Again don’t explain if emotions or details are already shown through dialogue or action. This should be unobtrusive. Long passages of internal monologue often become ways of telling the reader information instead of showing.

One way to do this is to get rid of speaker attributions. Instead of Why had she said that? Because he drove her crazy, she thought, use Why had she said that? Because he drove her crazy.  He wondered what he’d done to make her leave can be transformed  to What had he done to make her leave?

Interior monologue helps set point of view. It is not the same thing as description, though the two can blend together.  Use impressions obtained through the POV character’s senses.  We use our sight, hearing, smell without thinking about it.   Your character will, too.

You can use italics to show a character’s thought, but use sparingly. Too many italics are irritating, but they can be a good way to set off a more important thought in the middle of a monologue.”

MP900321209Internal dialogue is necessary, but not if it is a crutch.  Authors tend to be lazy. Once we find an easy way to get a point across it becomes our go-to tool when a particularly tough scene is refusing to unravel for us. We tell ourselves it is “our voice” and therefore it is our style.

Yes, that can be true, but we must never rely on easy tricks to tell our stories.  Readers always notice, and it makes our work less enjoyable for them.

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July 8, 2013 · 12:09 pm

The Curse of The Indie Author, and the Cure

BIF Blog Print ScreenYou all know I write, and you all know I read.  You may not know that I read 2 to 6 books a week and I blog about the ones I really like on a book review blog called Best in Fantasy. I try to write a new post for every Friday.

I began that blog two years ago, with an eye to promoting the books I loved, books that moved me.  As it progressed, I began seeking out and promoting the books of indie authors. I do not accept free manuscripts, as I want to feel NO pressure to say nice things about a book. I always buy the downloads for this blog.

DR 3 Prism Ross M KitsonI have read some incredible, amazing work over the last 2 years–work I would never have been exposed to if not for the Kindle and the fact most indie downloads range in price from .99 to 4.99 and many can be found for free during promotional days.

This amazing access to great, innovative writing has created an entire sub-culture in the writing industry.  People like me, bloggers who regularly read and love to discuss what they read are springing up everywhere and they are talking about what they read. And let me tell you, I have read some truly well-crafted books that stayed with me.

Authors are also springing up everywhere.  Nearly everyone I meet is either a self-published author or a close relative of one. How humorous it is to find that we once-exalted tellers of tales are no longer special–everyone has a book in them or at least thinks they do, and they are publishing them.

This rapid expansion of the self-publishing industry has come with a price, however, and it is a huge one.

The ease with which anyone possessing the ability to read, access  a computer and use the internet can publish their work independently has sparked a revolution. If you have read your American history, revolutions are NOT easy nor are they bloodless and pain-free.

For every book by an indie (or indeed by a traditionally published author) that I can feel good about recommending on Best in Fantasy, I see on average 6 that are just plain awful. These are books that would never make past the intake editor or an agent.

Some indie books are so abysmally edited it is apparent the author is the only person who has ever seen the manuscript. Some are moderately edited but not very well or professionally, and the author (as in my case with The Last Good Knight) gives way too much back-story up front and in huge info-dumps. This loses the attention of all but the most determined reader immediately, people who would ignore most typos and slight inconsistencies for a really good tale. This is where the unbiased eye of the editor can make a great novel out of a promising tale.

There are an incredible number of people writing books who have absolutely no concept of how to tell a coherent story. Not only is the book over-the top with descriptions (which take all the fun out the book) the whole thing can sometime feel like one long ego-stroking, autobiographical trip through the personal fantasies of the author, with him as the main character.  Those books have what I think of as the ‘creepy-voyeur’ factor built into them, and I just can’t get too far into them before barfing.

the Book of Ruth - jane HamiltonOthers start with a great idea, but the author leaves you wondering what happened to that kernel of brilliance, as the story sort of dies at the end and you are left wishing you had quit reading at page fifty.   This happens with just as MANY traditionally published books as with the indies, folks! Take “The Book of Ruth” for example.  How it made the Oprah Book Club I will never know, but it is one of the most depressing and abysmal books I have ever read, and I have read quite a few bad books. It totally turned me off of The Oprah Book Club.

The big 6 traditional publishers pretend that much of the crap they publish is all sheer magic, while loudly pointing out the faults inherent in self-publishing.  And, while it makes me angry that they decry us as worthless but leap to publish us the minute we show any sign of real success, there are hard truths here we indies who are committed to the CRAFT of writing must face.

What this ability to publish any piece of garbage that falls out of your head does for us as indies is to tar us all with the same brush. THIS is the curse of the indie author.

The cure for this curse is as follows:

1. Learn how to write in your native language. Grammar and Punctuation are essential, even in modern literature.

2. Join a writing group and meet other authors, either in your local area or on-line. This will help you with steps 3 and 4. Enter writing contests such as Amazon’s Breakthrough Novel Awards and participate in the boards and threads. Ignore the trolls, they pop-up everywhere (usually with badly written ego-stroking crap to their publishing credit.)

3. Develop a thick hide, and find an unbiased eye among your trusted acquaintances to read your work as you are writing it, so you can make changes more effectively and not be overwhelmed at the prospect of rewriting an entire manuscript from scratch.

4. Lose your ego. Your ego gets in the way of your writing.  Are you writing for yourself or for others to read and enjoy your work?

5. Find a good professional editor. Check their references, and when you do engage their services, do not take their criticisms personally. This editor must be someone you can work closely with, who makes suggestions and lets YOU make the changes on your masterpiece yourself. They must understand it is your work and you have the right to disagree with any suggested changes. If you have this symbiotic relationship, you will turn out a good final product.

This blog-post today has been inspired by the fact that over the last three weeks, I cracked open a total of 19 books, both indie AND mainstream, and was only able to find one book that I enjoyed and gave four stars to because of editing issues, and one AWESOME, amazing book that will get 5 stars from me.

Traditional publishers are failing us as readers by pushing their successful authors to spew a book or even two a year,  beating dead horses and creating long-winded series that go nowhere and have no entertainment value.

Some of the worst books I read over the last two years were written by two authors who have also written books I really enjoyed, but their best books were written in the early days, when these authors were not book-producing machines.

I expect more from a traditionally published book than a boring info-dump at the beginning, and lackluster characters you don’t give a hoot about.  I hold every book I read to that standard, and I am willing to forego some editing bloopers, which with the rush to publish nowadays, they ALL have, traditional or non-traditional.

A Lesson for the Cyclops Jeffrey Getzin

I just want to read a good story!

I want to be swept away to new lands and people I want to know and meet.

I want to be challenged and entertained.

Books are my drug and my addiction, and I am compelled to talk about them, to share them and re-read them.  That is why I blog every Friday on what I enjoyed reading that week.  Stop by this coming Friday afternoon and see what I am reviewing this week on Best in Fantasy. There will be a new review posted by 7:00 a.m. PDT.

In the meantime you can checkout the review for A Lesson for the Cyclops, a wonderful novella written by indie Author Jeffrey Getzin.

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June 24, 2013 · 10:20 am

Pub Crawling at Billy’s Revenge

800px-Southampton_Medieval_Merchants_House_kitchenOne of the things I find most entertaining about writing is putting myself mentally into the environment of the tale.   Currently in the works are 3 tales that take place, for the most part, in a wayside inn called Billy’s Revenge.

I love this place!  Billy Ninefingers, tall, genial and a bit dangerous runs a well-oiled machine. (Who doesn’t love a gorgeous man with an air hinting of danger about him?) Billy keeps the place running like a top and keeps his mercenaries, the Rowdies, working. Without Billy Ninefingers, there would be no town of Limpwater.

Billy needs to find some way to remain captain of the Rowdies and he hits on the notion of building his inn out in the middle of nowhere, a full day’s ride from the nearest town. His old family farm just happens to sit at the perfect place on the main trade road, smack in the middle of the most dangerous stretch. Lackland tells Billy right after the incident that maims his right hand and costs him his finger that if he builds his inn, a town will grow around it, and of course, Lackland is right.

The_Victorian_Kitchen_at_DalgarvenWhen Billy Ninefingers’s tale begins, we find him cooking in an old traditional farmhouse kitchen exactly like the one in the above picture. Billy is already cooking for a large group of mercenaries and realizes that even with hired help it will be difficult to provide all the services he wants to in a traditional kitchen, so he and Gertie the Smith (who is pregnant with Billy’s late father’s child) design an efficient kitchen with all the most modern of conveniences, more like the one in this picture, only much larger.  Achieving that in rural Waldeyn, using the materials and skills available to them is costly and frequently hilarious.

When I get stuck for inspiration I go to Wikimedia Commons and look up images that might relate to my tale–architecture, clothing, how they picnicked pre-modern times, anything that might give some idea an emerging culture might use when they stand at the beginning of an industrial revolution, as renaissance Europe did in the sixteenth century.  It’s a lot of fun, and I’ve learned that the really wealthy Elizabethans had access to some things we consider modern, such as indoor plumbing and stoves that not only heated their food, but also heated a cistern so they could have hot water.  These technologies were in turn based on Roman technologies.

On the surface, Billy appears to be an ordinary, if extremely large, man, but still waters run deep, as we often say. Most people passing through Limpwater and stopping for the night at Billy’s Revenge think brewing ale and serving cider is all there is about Billy, but they couldn’t be more wrong.  Billy is like any other mercenary, full of secrets and things he wishes he’d never seen. One wonders what is behind the name he chose for his inn–there’s a tale there, and when I’ve finished with the rewrite of The Last Good Knight, Billy will have his own stand alone tale.  The basic tale is drawn out already, and I’ve written perhaps 40,000 words, outlining the whole story-arc.

472px-Judith_Leyster_Merry_TrioSprinkled throughout the common room at Billy’s Revenge are many well-dressed men and women, none better dressed than those who wear the armband of the Rowdies. After all, what does a mercenary have to spend gold on, if not clothes and jewelry? Bert the Tailor, a former Rowdy who lost his leg to a highwayman’s sword keeps the men of Limpwater in shirts and breeches, and fine surcoats. With his wife, he employs several men and women to  dress the town of Limpwater in style. He would never have had such an opportunity if not for Billy Ninefingers building his inn out in the middle of the forest.

379px-Gustave_Jean_Jacquet_Girl_in_a_riding_habitDesigning the clothes and armor for the Lady Rowdies was a great deal of fun.  I had Gertie Smith team up with Bert’s wife, Lovely Ethel, the local dressmaker and also a retired mercenary to make my ladies their clothes and their armor.  We women of Limpwater are the most stylish women in any alternate reality!

Full, divided ankle-length skirts over high-heeled riding boots show nothing a lady doesn’t want to show, and emphasizes everything she wishes to flaunt. Ethel makes their bodices specifically to be worn under mail or armor, and yet stylish and very flattering in every way when the lady was not armored. Her surcoats are to die for, completely hiding the fact the lady is armored, and each of the ladies owns at least two of the embroidered creations. The dressmakers at King Henri’s court blatantly copy Ethel’s designs, but her flair is evident despite their best efforts.

BrewCh1When you set a tale in a common room, such as at Billy’s Revenge, kitchens and clothing are a huge part of the story, even if they are only mentioned in passing.  Knowing the environment we are writing in is crucial, even if we are melding (as I am) the Renaissance, Victorian, and Medieval eras into one collage of a world, and throwing in a bit of Waldeynier majik and a few impossible creatures of monstrous proportions.

Along the way I’ve learned how to brew hard cider the way our forefathers and mothers brewed it, and I learned to appreciate just how amazing and clever people really are.

Reading is an adventure when the research doesn’t get in the way of the tale, when it is there as an indefinable part of the background. I hope that when  Lackland’s tale is finished, the flavors and scents of the first version of Billy’s Revenge will still be there, welcoming us and leading us to a warm corner for a mug of ale or cider, and a bowl of stew.

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June 20, 2013 · 8:25 am

June-uary Sucketh

clouds ms clipartHere on beautiful Puget Sound we are known for our depressing gray skies and eternally soggy weather. The lead up to the 4th of July is always hard for me, because it is cold and damp, and I find myself champing at the bit to see some sunshine. My husband and I have even been known to be so desperate for a little sunshine we jump in the car and drive to Eastern Washington, not stopping until we find the sun. That usually happens just as we arrive in Yakima, 3 hours later.

The patch of blue is a brief, cherished moment as that month known around here as June-uary gets into full swing. You plan a picnic, but only where there may be shelters.

weatherThe chance of sunshine is a chance we will take. We wear shorts and sandals with grim determination, convinced we can embarrass the sun into shining.

SocksIt probably won’t happen, no matter what color socks I wear with my sandals.

The sound of rain sizzling as it hits the cover of the barbecue is the music that tells us sunshine is just around the corner. Of course, we know the chance of rain on our 4th of July celebration is great–75%–we still go blue-tarp camping and drag the miserable dog out for a day at the beach whether he wants to go or not.

Then magically, on the 5th of July, God “flips the switch” and summer arrives, with heat no northwesterner can bear. “Gawd it’s hot! It’s got to be 75 degrees! Poor Earl is melting, we have the fan going on him. He can’t take the heat, you know.”

SOCKS-AND-SHORTS-192x300For those of you civilized folks, 75 degrees Fahrenheit is about 24 degrees Celsius.

Yup.

We have a narrow comfort range here–68 degrees to 75 degrees is about the limit.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, but I’m going in style.

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June 12, 2013 · 8:44 am

Fabulous Fibs

The BoyAs I write this, my grandson–The Boy–is holding an action figure of Mr. Freeze and a whole scenario is being played out:

Mr. Freeze and Spider-Man have teamed up.  They’re off to rescue Darth Vader, who has been kidnapped. Much screaming, and the sounds of bullets ring through the dining room.  The Boy leaps onto his scooter and races to the play-room, desperate to save Luke’s father.

My daughter’s house is being remodeled, and once the new floors are in, there will be no more scooter or skateboard in the house.  Frankly, I can live with that, but on the other hand, scootering about the place does keep him busy when it’s too cold and rainy to play outside.  June in Snohomish can be quite chilly and damp.

Early_razor_scooterEven so, I just find myself cringing as The Boy flies by the cherry-wood dining room table perfectly avoiding nailing a chair, cutting the angle fine. He narrowly misses every obstacle in as professional a manner as any pro athlete.

You would think the furniture would be a scarred and wretched mess, but it’s not. The Boy has talent.  I’ve gotten to the point it only bothers me when he sails too close to the dog. Neko glares at him, but for the most part she tolerates it too.

Darth_VaderThe whole point of this mental meandering on my part is how amazing I think his imagination is.  The Boy’s creativity is non-stop, and it never ceases to amaze me. He tells me fabulous fibs and swears they’re the truth, then admits it’s a story he would like to write. “Or maybe I’ll make it a movie. Like Star Wars or something.”

That makes Grandma happy!

If only Grandma had that sort of imagination!

Here I am, with four heroes about to embark into the snowy north, and I’ve no idea what to do with them.  They’re too smart to get frostbite, and that’s really not so glamorous to write about.

Handsome Hero limped, wincing with each step. His frost-bitten toes were swollen and painful. He worried that gangrene would set in, and he’d have to amputate his own foot. 

Meh.

Although…an occasional amputation could liven things up a bit.

Sharpen your sword, Handsome.

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June 10, 2013 · 7:40 am

Java and Imaginary Heroes

EspressoOnce again I am preparing to get in the car and trundle up the highway. Going north to Snohomish.  Gotta love that town!  They have a great new coffee shop, Rock City Cafe, where the owner roasts the day’s coffee every morning. I like to go there and write in the evenings.

As a true northwesterner, I love the artisan coffees we have available all up and down the Puget Sound.  When I am in Olympia, I go to Batdorf and Bronson coffee roasters for the ambiance and the brew.

The hard part of all this traveling is being away from my home and my husband. But, as with everything, we are committed to helping our kids as well as we can.

We have a Blended Family, three from my previous marriages and two from his. Together we have three daughters and two sons. Daughter 1 is 39, Daughter 2 is also 39, Son 3 is 37, Son 4 is 35, and Daughter 5 is 29. All but Son 4 have provided us with lovely grandchildren, two of whom are providing us with great-grandchildren.

Spike-wavesOur kids don’t need monetary help, but, as I have written before, two of them have epilepsy. The oldest by 3 months, Daughter 1, has seizures that have only once progressed to the Tonic Clonic stage.  Hers are more a matter of her going away for 3 to 4 minutes and then picking up right where she left off.  Her new meds are working perfectly with no allergic reactions, and if her EEG continues to look good, she will be able to resume driving in August. But right now, she needs help getting around as public transit does work well for where she needs to go. I go north every other week for 3 days and babysit her 6yr old and try not to be the pain-in-the-arse mother-in-law.

Son 4 is unmarried. He has seizures that manifest themselves in the Tonic Clonic form. Since his last episode he is doing really well.  The fact is, he doesn’t have them if he simply takes his meds. He has them if he doesn’t.

He is on board with his neurologist and is taking his meds.  His EEG looks good too! He has excellent public transportation where he lives, and is well enough employed he could take a cab to work if he chose to. I only need to drive him when it is something complicated.

We are fortunate to live in a time when the medical community has achieved some progress in both understanding this array of conditions we call epilepsy. My family is fortunate that there are effective medicines they can take that don’t turn them stupid, and that they aren’t allergic to.

We know this condition that two of my children share is from their father’s side, as our other 3 children don’t show any symptoms. Their father’s side of the family was quite secretive about some things, and with good reason. As a society we are only now emerging from the Dark Ages when it comes to epilepsy, just within the last 20 years.

Even though I hate the drive, I love being needed. Daughters 2 and 5 and Son 3 don’t need help, so my participation in their lives is by invitation only. I respect that, and encourage it, as I have my own life, and know what it is like. Nevertheless, when your children are well-grown and living productive adult lives it is easy to lose that feeling of being connected to them. That can devolve into a feeling of loneliness and self-pity.

I am so NOT that mama.

In my early twenties I dealt with in-laws who couldn’t let go, and who made my life a misery, so I could never do that to my sons-in-law.

My Coffee Cup © cjjasp 2013Fortunately for them, I have my imaginary friends, and my fantasy life so I don’t really have time to hang around moping and feeling neglected.  The minute someone comes home to take The Boy off grandma’s hands, I am out the door!

Grandma has a coffee bar to go to, and four hunky, although quite imaginary, men who need to be told what to do! Leave the door unlocked, she’ll be staggering in about the time they shut the place down for the night.

Yes.

I’m THAT kind of grandma.

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